Barking Up the Wrong Tree
by codenamecynic
Summary: You know you're bad at dating when your dog decides to take matchmaking matters into his own paws.


A/N: The AU bug bites again. Based on the prompt "I climbed a tree to get away from your over-enthusiastic dog and now I'm stuck AU" from tumblr user loquaciousquark

"WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!" Hawke yelled, tilted backward at a forty-five degree angle. She had her heels dug into the dirt as deeply as her not-intentionally-cool off-brand sneakers would allow, Toothless' leash in both hands. Rather than restrain the enormous dog in any way, shape, or form she was slowly but surely being pulled across the park. "YOU ARE BEING EXTREMELY RUDE!"

The dog thought this was hilarious, naturally, and bounded ahead in excitement like he was lead stallion at the Kentucky Derby and pride and snacks were on the line. He was far too smart to mistake this for a game; the big stupid mutt was _enjoying_ this.

The poor guy he'd driven up a tree - probably not so much.

"I am so, so sorry. Let me just- _Toothless you are a huge jerk."_

Toothless grinned enormously, tongue lolling out of one corner of his mouth, stumpy tail wagging hard enough that he overset the lawn chair that his unfortunate prey had abandoned not a moment ago, scurrying up the tree trunk faster than Isabela poured a stiff drink at a boring party.

"I promise he's friendly."

"You'll forgive me if I don't take your word for it."

She happened to look up just as he was looking down, peering over the branch he was clutching with a scowl intense enough to cook her bones inside her skin and leave them to rattle around like bits of over-baked crust at the bottom of the toaster.

 _Oh no, he's hot._ And that _voice_ -

The leash slipped out of Hawke's hands, and she fell on her ass with a thud. Free of his owner's restraint, Toothless took the opportunity to run around the tree three times clockwise and then lose interest completely, wandering a short distance away to pee on something.

Typical.

"You can come down now," she called up the tree as she picked herself off the ground, dusting twigs, dirt, and a discarded popsicle stick off her jeans, trying to catch sight of him in the tree without craning her neck and hoping that there wasn't a giant grass stain on the back of her pants.

(She checked: of course there was. Because a hot guy in a tree and her gigantic idiotic dog was not _nearly_ enough to put her game.)

(Who was she kidding, she had no game. Toothless and Gameless, BFFs for life.)

When there was no answer, she tried again. "Ahoy the tree?"

"Ahoy the - what am I doing? Just go away!"

"It's perfectly safe now, he's lost interest, I promise."

Toothless barked happily as though to agree and then eyed her meaningfully, whining and drooling in a way that was every bit as nagging and embarrassing as her mother making her pose for photos on the porch right before her first big date.

" _Fine, I'm going,"_ Hawke hissed, subtly waving him away and then pretending to fix her hair to cover the movement.

Hot Guy In Tree was completely obscured by foliage and wasn't looking anyway. Fantastic.

"Look, I really am sorry. Can I buy you a drink or-" Hawke circled around beneath one of the low hanging branches to the other side where she could see him and almost tripped on an exposed root, immediately trying and failing to stifle a grin at the sight of him holding on to the trunk of the tree for dear life, unable to walk and control her expressions at the same time. "-maybe a ladder?"

"Do not laugh at me."

"Of course not."

"You absolutely are."

"I would never."

She stood there staring at him death grip the tree like an angry ficus until he capitulated, exhaling in a sigh so long and ragged the only word for it was _done_. "My current position may be slightly- problematic."

"Problematic?"

"Untenable. Unsustainable, if you will."

"So what you're saying is you're stuck."

"Not… in so many words." It sounded like he was actually in pain, and she was able to see both of his dark eyebrows draw together in consternation as he glanced over one shoulder at the ground. "But perhaps there would be some truth to that description."

Good lord.

"I'm coming up."

"No, don't."

"Don't worry, it'll be fine."

"No, please, you've helped enough."

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" Well, if she should fall off a tree to her death and be devoured by hungry undead squirrels, that would be pretty bad, but a great many things would have had to go horribly wrong for that made-for-TV movie to ever come to pass, so she decided not to worry about it because if nothing else Hawke was obviously very reasonable. They weren't that far off the ground anyway and the tree was more than perfect for climbing, and she shimmied up the trunk in seconds, plopping herself down on a branch at just about the height of his perch, long legs swinging.

His look was incredulous. "Do you say that often?"

"All the time. Everyone hates it."

"I can scarcely imagine why." His voice was so dry it could have shriveled the mightiest cactus. "Do you always end up in trees with strange men?"

"Only the really attractive ones."

He eyed her skeptically, obviously not certain what to believe - as though finding himself up a tree in the park instead of on the ground reading an obviously very sophisticated book wasn't surreal enough. "I'll take that as a compliment, I suppose."

"You should, Toothless has excellent taste."

The dog yipped in agreement - the dirty braggart - and then whined, canting his head at her as he stared up from below. Hawke grimaced awkwardly; the pushy little shit was always trying to get her to meet new people. By any means necessary.

Oh well, you only live once. "I'm Hawke, by the way."

(Toothless panted happily, wagging his entire body encouragingly. This was going well! For once.)

He actually took her proffered hand - and then didn't let go of it, his hold on the tree a whole twenty-five percent less koala-like. His grip was actually a bit bone-crushing however, which was both hot and vaguely distressing to her fingers. "Fenris."

"Nice to meet you, Fenris. Now what do you say we get you out of this tree and into something more comfortable?"

Down below Toothless rolled his eyes, fell over and just played dead.


End file.
